I feel my strongest...when my body is at it's weakest

I'm just getting home from the gym, worked out for just under 2 hours today, today was legs and I worked them good. As I try to find the strength to kick my shoes off this is when I am my proudest, when I feel my strongest....my body is weak right now because of the floors and floors of stairs I ran, because of the 130 lbs I leg pressed, the dozens of wall ball squats....I love this feeling! This is when I feel my strongest, this is why 4 am doesn't feel so early to me...this is the payoff, and I live for this feeling right here!

classses...yuck

I am not really a fan of exercise classes, I am uncoordinated, I have no rhythm  (unless I have been drinking then you should see how good I dance :p) I have a really bad habit of twisting my ankle when I do classes. I worry about keeping up and I end up hurting myself. I should steer clear of them, I know, but sometimes you want something fun to do, different. I have been going to a zumba class on and off with a girlfriend.. I do not always enjoy it, I think I laugh and stand there confused more then anyone in the class but it is a workout (sort of, more so if you can keep up) so I do it. And it is good girl talk time and we all need a little girl talk time!

My trouble area is my tummy.. I say "tummy" cause it makes it sound way more adorable then it actually is lol I know you can not spot reduce, I think trying to do that will lead to failure. I also know that if you work every part of you except one part you will be weaker there... that is what I have been doing...I have this belly that I HATE but I don't work it much, hell after a few sets of crunches I am burning, I feel weak so in my ignorance/stubbornness I don't work it like I should.

One of my favorite things about my gym time is I DO feel strong. I love that I can leg press right along side of the men, so I work the heck out of my legs...I have been working out all of me, all of me that is, except the part of me I hate the most. So Monday I took a straight up full ab class...HOLY HELL it is Wednesday evening and I still feel the burn! They offer it three days a week.. I am going to shoot for 2 days a week until I stop dying so much. I will go again on friday... oh just putting that out there, knowing I have to hold myself to it now is a little nauseating. I don't like classes, but I hate this stand still more. On friday from 11:30-12:00 Central time send up a prayer.. actually at about 11:45 when we get to the half way mark and I want to run away lol  I think in order to get to where I want to be, I have to make sure I stay uncomfortable.. so that is what I am going to do.. zumba, ab class... whatever else I can find that is uncomfortable and a little miserable. ;)

Tonight at the gym I saw the most beautiful body I've ever seen in person...it motivated me and broke my heart at the same time. I know it isn't about what u look like, but it just breaks my heart that I abused my body for so long...I see this beautiful woman and I know that no matter how hard I work I'll never get to where she is. I can build my muscle but I've abused my body for so long that I'll always have extra skin where I don't want it, I'll always have the reminder of my failure  for the first 35 years of my life :/ This isn't a pity party (I know it sounds like it) I'm ok with this, my goal isn't to be that perfect woman in the gym, my goal is to be the absolute best me I can be. But I wish I could go back to my teenage self and clue her in. I wish I could tell get how amazing healthy feels....I can't change my past life, I can encourage a healthy lifestyle for my children, I can share my story, my journey and maybe plant a seed, I can change my future, and hopefully one day come to terms with my past. And tomorrow morning I can (and will) get my ass to the gym and give it all I've got to get one step closer to my goal! :D

Finally settled(ish)

Getting settled into our new home has taken me away from here for a while. I have still been steady at the gym 5 days a week, but eating more junk then I should. I didn't mean to stay away so long I just haven't had the time to pull my laptop out before now.

I hate how much junk I have been putting in my body lately.. it seems as soon as I see the scale move in the right direction, life throws me a curve ball and I start rushing my food again...planning is the only way I stay on track if I don't plan I will fail.

I am about due for my blood work again, they make me do it even though I reversed my type 2 diabetes just to make sure I am keeping up... when ever this time comes around I freak out.. what if... what if it came back? What if I am sick again because I let myself get off track? Have I still been doing the right thing to keep it away? If it comes back bad how will I deal.. will I lose it? Anger started this process for me, getting angry because I was told I couldn't fix it.. but that anger is not a good thing to carry around. I am putting off the labs for about two months cause I can, I know that this fear and anxiety is stressful but it might be enough to pull me out of my eating slump.

I eat every 3 hours.. even if I am not hungry, I eat the right stuff. I even have little alarms set to remind me to eat.. shouldn't be hard for a less than thin girl to remember to eat but it is.. and after I go for too long without eating I grab anything. That is where all the crap is adding up. I feel better when I eat right, but it is hard to keep up with. It is actually work...how crazy huh that eating turned into work when it use to be so simple I would eat anything and everything in site. :/