beaten down but not broken

This has been a very rough week.... a lot of personal drama and stress...on top of trying to look for a new home...add to that a birthday in the house so there was chocolate cake! I ate more cake than I should have a little sliver here and there... I also broke down and bought a big ol bag of kettle cooked BBQ chips and ate just about the whole damn bag.... it really pisses me off that no matter how much I have overcome when the stress gets the better of me I always have to fight the urge to binge! I am lucky to have learned some alternatives to the binging but when things reach their breaking point....my releases are not healthy ones! This is something I need to work more on.

Needless to say I did not get on the scale this morning.. I think it is important to keep a record but I know I self sabotaged so much this week... and getting on the scale would just be beating myself up for it again and I am finally in a better state of mind. So this morning I confess to you that I over ate, didn't actually binge per-say but didn't control the impulse like I should have. I also missed 2 days at the gym this week... sleep always evades me but when there is added stress it is much worse...but this morning I was back in there.. worked my legs, abs and did my cardio and I left there feeling so much better...I love the high I get after a workout.. sometimes it kills me to start one but in the end I always feel better.

I have to move on from this week, let it be a bad week that doesn't break me..... I am so much stronger than the crap that has messed me up this week. This week beat me down...at every turn I felt like I was running into a brick wall, I might have the bruises from this week that will linger but I am not broken! At times this week I felt it but I have taught myself that I am so much stronger then I give myself credit for. (we all are) And that is how I know I am beaten but not ever ever broken!

So here is to a healthy weekend...for all of us!!

what to eat this week?!?

I want a steady diet of fried chicken and onion rings this week... I don't know if it is hormonal or the abundant amount of stress I have been under as of late but I have been craving all the stuff I shouldn't eat! I am sitting here today after killing myself at the gym this morning and I am fighting the urge to go get junk food :/ But I will be damned if I am going to eat a lunch that is going to void out the calories I burnt this morning!

I am headed out to the store to buy groceries and I am keeping the thought in mind that if I go buy salad and soup it is not going to be satisfying this week. SO....today for lunch I am going to make crunchy chicken fingers today (baked with panko bread crumbs) with honey mustard dip (just a light bottled dressing) and some zucchini chips (thin slices of zucchini dipped in panko bread crumbs and baked till crunchy) this should satisfy my junk food craving without eating out and taking in 1500 calories in one meal! And I am going to make bacon chicken wraps for the rest of the week... a little bacon makes the world a better place ;) so I will take a few sliced cut them up very small... then cook onion and chicken breast in the same pan as the bacon (I will toss all the fat first but not clean the pan that way I get the flavors) then I can just through this on a light tortilla the rest of this week and it will feel more like a junky indulgent meal (it is after all bacon!)

I am also making sure I have a few items on hand this week since I already know it will be a hard week....
sunflower seeds (salty and crunchy)
sugar free Twizzlers
gum
and one small bag of kettle cooked chips because this week I am absolutely letting myself have them! But if I get the individual bag I can hide it until I am about to lose my mind then I can get that and a diet coke and feel like I am having a sneaky splurge! ;) And who doesn't like a sneaky splurge?!?

Man I feel like my weigh in this friday is going to piss me off... I hope that I can maintain this weight at least. I need the scale to move down, it is getting very hard... but some weeks you have to step back and realize that it is ok to have a hard week... not to give up but to have a hard week. My plan is to try to get in two workouts every day this week just to help with the stress... I do feel the weight of the world lifting off my shoulders when I am working out, and I really need the weight off my shoulders this week! Wish me luck! I am off to get my fake out junk food ;)

long time no see.... sorry for that

I am sorry for such a long time in between posts.... my world is going about a million miles an hour and I am trying desperately to keep up with it all.

So what have you missed? Not much my life isn't all that exciting but...

I went home to see my dad, THAT was incredible awesome and very hard for me. Long story short I don't speak to my mother, but I still hear her hateful comments in my head all too often. The woman my father remarried is amazing. She knows how hard I have worked on this journey of mine and every meal we had at her home she had a huge healthy amazing salad on the side because she was trying to be supportive of my goals. It was amazing to have someone in a mother roll, not to tell me how big my hips were, or to suck in my stomach...amazing for her not to sabotage my efforts, but instead go out of her way to make sure I had what I needed to eat there. She is an amazing woman and I am very happy that she is in my life.

I wish I could say that even after that wonderful time I was able to stay %100 on track but we were after all traveling and visiting other people and eating some things we should not have. I put on 4 lbs on that trip. It was very frustrating, I just got the scale to move in the right direction before I left then it crept back up. But that is life...when routines are messed up you will gain a little, you will eat the stuff you shouldn't and you won't be able to workout like you should. If you let these things knock you down then you are not ready to take this journey, because you are going to fail more times then you succeed. You are going to reach for goals and feel like you always land just shy of them.

Since getting back home I have gotten back on track... I tell you what though that week off from the gym kicked my ass!! Getting back up to where I want to be in the gym is just now happening. But it is happening and THAT is the important thing!!

This morning at the gym was the best workout I have had in a while. My shoulders are a bit sore from my routine and my legs felt a bit like jelly after I finished my cardio but it was incredible!!