No matter how hard or long I work out it seems like there are always going to be parts about me that I dislike, parts of me that I am always trying to find new ways to work off... one of them is the three inches of my inner thigh. I use the machines at the gym, over all my legs are very strong, over all I like the way they look but that damn three inches on the inner thigh still drive me nuts. I was complaining to my trainer (as I often do) and he gave me another exercise to work that area....I thought I would pass along to you. It requires only a stability ball and I think pretty much everyone has one of them these days, if not, then just go buy one of the little $3 balls from the toy section, you are not going to put your weight on it so I would think a cheep toy would work for this.

You lay on your back put the ball between your thighs raise your legs so that your feet are straight in front of you and off of the ground by at least 12 inches then squeeze the ball between your thighs and release... now this doesn't sound like much I do 20 squeezes 4-6 times 2 times a week and you can really feel that working... I don't see any difference yet but I also pretty much just started doing it routinely. I know I can't be the only one who hates that part of them so I thought I'd share this ;)

I love this!!!

I saw this today and I had to throw it on here! I freaking love this!!

back on track...

Ok, so I have gotten over the comment made...and the fall out after...well not really, but I have moved on. I had amazing workouts the last few days and I feel like a million bucks. And I have been eating right too ;) I am on my way to eat my boiled egg right now actually but I wanted to take a minute and check in. I hope you have a healthy day today!!

Eating right....

OK so I guess it is time for me to stop my pity party and suck it up... I was dying today at the gym.... dragging because I wasn't eating much at all the last few days... no food means no energy for my workout...bad workout means bad day... so now instead of just feeling fat, I also feel ashamed that I didn't get the workout in that I needed to. I was almost in tears this morning so I went in and I got advice from my trainer. I knew what he was gonna say... he was gonna say EAT! He told me I should be eating 1800 calories a day... pretty sure I didn't eat that this weekend (3 days) combined. So I sit here typing this as a bot of eggs comes to a boil.

I started this journey to get healthy... not eating is not healthy and I know this...and being skinny because I am not eating isn't healthy...hitting my goal weight by starving myself is not only dangerous but sending a dangerous message to my daughter... so quite frankly, fuck em' all!! So they still think I am fat...and I sit here and give them power to mess with my head...I am taking back that power. 

Today I am eating... what, I am not sure yet but the eggs are a start. Taking care of my body is so important to me... sometimes my mind and other people just get the better of me and get in the way. I can't push my body if I don't fuel it and I never feel stronger or more confident than when I am pushing myself! Enjoy your breakfast! : ) 

Other People's Perceptions

I have worked so hard to change my life...to get healthy.... I wish it didn't matter what people thought/said about me... but this week I was hit with the realization that as much as it shouldn't matter what people think about me... it does!

I have worked hard to change the way people thought of me, talked to me, saw me.... to be told that you are still a "big girl" is extremely hard to hear... it shouldn't matter. I know I still have a ways to go to get to my goal weight but instead of my hard work and changes being acknowledged they are shot down, minimized...I have worked so hard.. I have left blood sweat and tears at that gym for the last two years...if I am still a "big girl" now what was I before? What did people think of me before? Say about me before? None of this should matter... none of it should impact me and my way of thinking.. but it does..I know I have to eat to fuel my body.. but I can't right now. I know this is wrong but that "stupid girl" mentality kicked in and I feel like I am a failure if I eat more than a bite of something. Food disorders do not go away, it is a battle every day (some days more that others) When the people who are suppose to be proud of you shoot you down, THAT kind of sends you into a tailspin. When your hard work, effort, change... isn't defended by the people who should be there fists raised... it takes away a bit of your steam... makes you realize that you are completely alone in this. You are, I am.. and that is ok. The truth is no one understands this struggle unless they go through it, the tears you cry are not theirs, the sweat you leave behind is not theirs, the exhilaration you feel when you fit into that hot little black dress (and feel like a million bucks) is not theirs...so I guess you can't expect them to be the support you actually need them to be...I suppose it is selfish to expect them to.

As much as I want someone to truly get it... it is mine and in the end, I like it that way. So when I get the wind knocked out of my sails I will deal with it alone. The tears I cry over it will be in private. The moments of weakness (be it eating too much or not enough) will be in private. These are after all my goals, my struggles, my successes...I know I will hit my goal weight,I know I will succeed, despite all the disbelief.

The truth is, I am still proud of me... and I need to learn how to let that to be enough.

I'm sitting here waiting for the gym to open on a Sat....I got knocked on my my ass a bit yesterday... I want to sit and cry into a chocolate cake & a bag of chips, but I'm here....I suppose thats something right? Doesn't really feel like much tho I gotta tell ya! One day I'll stop letting others define me!!!