I feel my strongest...when my body is at it's weakest

I'm just getting home from the gym, worked out for just under 2 hours today, today was legs and I worked them good. As I try to find the strength to kick my shoes off this is when I am my proudest, when I feel my strongest....my body is weak right now because of the floors and floors of stairs I ran, because of the 130 lbs I leg pressed, the dozens of wall ball squats....I love this feeling! This is when I feel my strongest, this is why 4 am doesn't feel so early to me...this is the payoff, and I live for this feeling right here!

classses...yuck

I am not really a fan of exercise classes, I am uncoordinated, I have no rhythm  (unless I have been drinking then you should see how good I dance :p) I have a really bad habit of twisting my ankle when I do classes. I worry about keeping up and I end up hurting myself. I should steer clear of them, I know, but sometimes you want something fun to do, different. I have been going to a zumba class on and off with a girlfriend.. I do not always enjoy it, I think I laugh and stand there confused more then anyone in the class but it is a workout (sort of, more so if you can keep up) so I do it. And it is good girl talk time and we all need a little girl talk time!

My trouble area is my tummy.. I say "tummy" cause it makes it sound way more adorable then it actually is lol I know you can not spot reduce, I think trying to do that will lead to failure. I also know that if you work every part of you except one part you will be weaker there... that is what I have been doing...I have this belly that I HATE but I don't work it much, hell after a few sets of crunches I am burning, I feel weak so in my ignorance/stubbornness I don't work it like I should.

One of my favorite things about my gym time is I DO feel strong. I love that I can leg press right along side of the men, so I work the heck out of my legs...I have been working out all of me, all of me that is, except the part of me I hate the most. So Monday I took a straight up full ab class...HOLY HELL it is Wednesday evening and I still feel the burn! They offer it three days a week.. I am going to shoot for 2 days a week until I stop dying so much. I will go again on friday... oh just putting that out there, knowing I have to hold myself to it now is a little nauseating. I don't like classes, but I hate this stand still more. On friday from 11:30-12:00 Central time send up a prayer.. actually at about 11:45 when we get to the half way mark and I want to run away lol  I think in order to get to where I want to be, I have to make sure I stay uncomfortable.. so that is what I am going to do.. zumba, ab class... whatever else I can find that is uncomfortable and a little miserable. ;)

Tonight at the gym I saw the most beautiful body I've ever seen in person...it motivated me and broke my heart at the same time. I know it isn't about what u look like, but it just breaks my heart that I abused my body for so long...I see this beautiful woman and I know that no matter how hard I work I'll never get to where she is. I can build my muscle but I've abused my body for so long that I'll always have extra skin where I don't want it, I'll always have the reminder of my failure  for the first 35 years of my life :/ This isn't a pity party (I know it sounds like it) I'm ok with this, my goal isn't to be that perfect woman in the gym, my goal is to be the absolute best me I can be. But I wish I could go back to my teenage self and clue her in. I wish I could tell get how amazing healthy feels....I can't change my past life, I can encourage a healthy lifestyle for my children, I can share my story, my journey and maybe plant a seed, I can change my future, and hopefully one day come to terms with my past. And tomorrow morning I can (and will) get my ass to the gym and give it all I've got to get one step closer to my goal! :D

Finally settled(ish)

Getting settled into our new home has taken me away from here for a while. I have still been steady at the gym 5 days a week, but eating more junk then I should. I didn't mean to stay away so long I just haven't had the time to pull my laptop out before now.

I hate how much junk I have been putting in my body lately.. it seems as soon as I see the scale move in the right direction, life throws me a curve ball and I start rushing my food again...planning is the only way I stay on track if I don't plan I will fail.

I am about due for my blood work again, they make me do it even though I reversed my type 2 diabetes just to make sure I am keeping up... when ever this time comes around I freak out.. what if... what if it came back? What if I am sick again because I let myself get off track? Have I still been doing the right thing to keep it away? If it comes back bad how will I deal.. will I lose it? Anger started this process for me, getting angry because I was told I couldn't fix it.. but that anger is not a good thing to carry around. I am putting off the labs for about two months cause I can, I know that this fear and anxiety is stressful but it might be enough to pull me out of my eating slump.

I eat every 3 hours.. even if I am not hungry, I eat the right stuff. I even have little alarms set to remind me to eat.. shouldn't be hard for a less than thin girl to remember to eat but it is.. and after I go for too long without eating I grab anything. That is where all the crap is adding up. I feel better when I eat right, but it is hard to keep up with. It is actually work...how crazy huh that eating turned into work when it use to be so simple I would eat anything and everything in site. :/

No matter how hard or long I work out it seems like there are always going to be parts about me that I dislike, parts of me that I am always trying to find new ways to work off... one of them is the three inches of my inner thigh. I use the machines at the gym, over all my legs are very strong, over all I like the way they look but that damn three inches on the inner thigh still drive me nuts. I was complaining to my trainer (as I often do) and he gave me another exercise to work that area....I thought I would pass along to you. It requires only a stability ball and I think pretty much everyone has one of them these days, if not, then just go buy one of the little $3 balls from the toy section, you are not going to put your weight on it so I would think a cheep toy would work for this.

You lay on your back put the ball between your thighs raise your legs so that your feet are straight in front of you and off of the ground by at least 12 inches then squeeze the ball between your thighs and release... now this doesn't sound like much I do 20 squeezes 4-6 times 2 times a week and you can really feel that working... I don't see any difference yet but I also pretty much just started doing it routinely. I know I can't be the only one who hates that part of them so I thought I'd share this ;)

I love this!!!

I saw this today and I had to throw it on here! I freaking love this!!

back on track...

Ok, so I have gotten over the comment made...and the fall out after...well not really, but I have moved on. I had amazing workouts the last few days and I feel like a million bucks. And I have been eating right too ;) I am on my way to eat my boiled egg right now actually but I wanted to take a minute and check in. I hope you have a healthy day today!!

Eating right....

OK so I guess it is time for me to stop my pity party and suck it up... I was dying today at the gym.... dragging because I wasn't eating much at all the last few days... no food means no energy for my workout...bad workout means bad day... so now instead of just feeling fat, I also feel ashamed that I didn't get the workout in that I needed to. I was almost in tears this morning so I went in and I got advice from my trainer. I knew what he was gonna say... he was gonna say EAT! He told me I should be eating 1800 calories a day... pretty sure I didn't eat that this weekend (3 days) combined. So I sit here typing this as a bot of eggs comes to a boil.

I started this journey to get healthy... not eating is not healthy and I know this...and being skinny because I am not eating isn't healthy...hitting my goal weight by starving myself is not only dangerous but sending a dangerous message to my daughter... so quite frankly, fuck em' all!! So they still think I am fat...and I sit here and give them power to mess with my head...I am taking back that power. 

Today I am eating... what, I am not sure yet but the eggs are a start. Taking care of my body is so important to me... sometimes my mind and other people just get the better of me and get in the way. I can't push my body if I don't fuel it and I never feel stronger or more confident than when I am pushing myself! Enjoy your breakfast! : ) 

Other People's Perceptions

I have worked so hard to change my life...to get healthy.... I wish it didn't matter what people thought/said about me... but this week I was hit with the realization that as much as it shouldn't matter what people think about me... it does!

I have worked hard to change the way people thought of me, talked to me, saw me.... to be told that you are still a "big girl" is extremely hard to hear... it shouldn't matter. I know I still have a ways to go to get to my goal weight but instead of my hard work and changes being acknowledged they are shot down, minimized...I have worked so hard.. I have left blood sweat and tears at that gym for the last two years...if I am still a "big girl" now what was I before? What did people think of me before? Say about me before? None of this should matter... none of it should impact me and my way of thinking.. but it does..I know I have to eat to fuel my body.. but I can't right now. I know this is wrong but that "stupid girl" mentality kicked in and I feel like I am a failure if I eat more than a bite of something. Food disorders do not go away, it is a battle every day (some days more that others) When the people who are suppose to be proud of you shoot you down, THAT kind of sends you into a tailspin. When your hard work, effort, change... isn't defended by the people who should be there fists raised... it takes away a bit of your steam... makes you realize that you are completely alone in this. You are, I am.. and that is ok. The truth is no one understands this struggle unless they go through it, the tears you cry are not theirs, the sweat you leave behind is not theirs, the exhilaration you feel when you fit into that hot little black dress (and feel like a million bucks) is not theirs...so I guess you can't expect them to be the support you actually need them to be...I suppose it is selfish to expect them to.

As much as I want someone to truly get it... it is mine and in the end, I like it that way. So when I get the wind knocked out of my sails I will deal with it alone. The tears I cry over it will be in private. The moments of weakness (be it eating too much or not enough) will be in private. These are after all my goals, my struggles, my successes...I know I will hit my goal weight,I know I will succeed, despite all the disbelief.

The truth is, I am still proud of me... and I need to learn how to let that to be enough.

I'm sitting here waiting for the gym to open on a Sat....I got knocked on my my ass a bit yesterday... I want to sit and cry into a chocolate cake & a bag of chips, but I'm here....I suppose thats something right? Doesn't really feel like much tho I gotta tell ya! One day I'll stop letting others define me!!!

Missing my workouts

So last week the stress of this year (thus far) caught up with me...two separate ER trips and my butt on the couch for over a week. You would think that after not being able to eat anything for 4 days that stupid scale would have moved but alas, nothing.

It was far too long of a break from the gym. I desperately missed my workouts!! WOW,  hang on, let me let that sit on my tongue for a bit... if someone would have told me a few years ago that would come out of my mouth I would have never believed it. At any rate, I did.. I really missed it. And getting back in the gym today kicked my butt!! I felt a bit like I was going to pass out and puke (I did neither) I listened to my body... walked outside for about 10 minutes between my weights and my cardio and evaluated if I could safely push myself today. I did... only for 20 minutes on my cardio machine but I stuck out what I could... and tomorrow I am sure it will kick my butt again. It seems when I miss any more than a day or two it takes so long to get back into the swing of things.

I find with all of the stress these days my diet/meal planning is NOT what it should be.. it is hard to keep on track. At this moment, we are in the process of finding our first home, planning for military retirement, my oldest is about to graduate high school... and then there is just the normal stresses (I will spare you this vent)  today I ate nearly a whole bag of BBQ chips.. very healthy indeed!! I NEED to get this back on track...the only way I know how to do that is to start planning/tracking my meals/snacks out again shopping regularly.

And when I hear "Chicken Again?!?" or "Salad?!?" I need to start duct taping mouths closed so I don't feel the guilt of feeding my family boring food and end up buying pizza. The truth is a low fat high protein meal IS the right choice for everyone in my family.... it is the healthy choice and I want that for my Family. No one other than myself is overweight in my family, that doesn't mean we don't all need to eat/live healthy. I lived my whole youth on a forced diet so when I hear things like this I start to feel like I am going to mess them up. I start feeling  like I need to go buy nachos, and junk food so they don't end up as screwed up as I am about food. It is a hard thing because at the same time I want them to be healthy, I want them to have the knowledge of how to take care of the bodies they have, not so they look a certain way, but so they feel healthy, they feel like they are their best selves. It is the little devil and angel on the shoulder... my devil is a fat little bastard holding a big ol chocolate cake and something fried and the angel is healthy and fit and in the moment, sad to say, I feel like I am punishing my family by making them eat chicken breast and green beans...and I give in to the little devil.

Balance... that is what this is all about and I find that just when I think I have got it, something comes and throws me off balance. So I have just come to the understanding that I am forever going to have to re balance, it will get screwy from time to time.... that is life I guess. So this week I will try to start my re balance. I found this picture and I thought it was quite appropriate for this post.

The pre summer break chaos

This time of year a few things always sound good to me.. nice big salads, light grilled dinners, fruit, cool fresh cucumbers, tomatoes, peppers...but the last few weeks for a few reasons we have been running around like chickens with our heads cut off... so instead of the healthy grilled chicken and salad that I am actually craving I have settled for $5 hot and ready pizzas because they were faster...usually if I know a week is going to be stressful I will try to pre cook over the weekend. But even the last few weekends have been so packed... There is NO excuse not to eat healthy, there really isn't but I make excuses and some how justify running 5-10 minutes one way to pick up pizzas (that would be 25-30 minutes total right?!?) when I could throw a chicken breast in some aluminum foil, set the oven to 400 and have a healthy, less expensive, much tastier meal in the same amount of time.

Yesterday I went to the store with the mind set that this week is gonna be crazy and I really need the scale to move! (I feel a bit like I am spinning my wheels lately.) I bought chicken breast, mixed veggies, and plenty of foil so when I am feeling the fast food for dinner pressure I can make a healthier/tastier alternative. With as little clean up as tossing out a pizza box ;)

What is it about numbers that get us so worked up?

I went shopping yesterday...I rarely go shopping for clothes where I don't feel defeated. I love that I can shop in the "normal" stores but yet when I am in these "normal" stores I am still obsessed about what number is on the tag... what sizes I think should fit but don't. I was in tears yesterday while I was out shopping for a pair of shorts... I am apple shaped, I carry all of my weight around my middle so the size that fits my butt and hips doesn't fit my middle and visa versa... I get a lot of slack for wearing my jeans/ shorts too tight.. the truth is if they are going to fit me they have to be stretch.. that means yes, they are going to hug my butt, thighs...anyway... I let this shopping trip ruin my day. I went to bed feeling defeated...like a failure. I woke up feeling the same way.

But when I was at the gym this morning I realized something... something that in this moment makes me feel a little better (I can not promise that the next time I go looking for clothes I am not still going to break down because something doesn't fit) Here are a few numbers that remind me of how awesome I am! ;-p I hope one day these numbers scream louder in my head than the ones that I beat myself up over!

60           Number of pounds lost (that I have been able to track)
60-120    Number of minutes that I work out 5 days a week (not counting weekends)
150         Number of pounds I leg press 5 sets of 20, 3 days a week (this number makes me feel a
                bit like a bad ass! ;)
48           Number of lunges I do 3 days a week
2             Days a week that I workout  the free weight room
                (a room that I was terrified of just a few months ago) 
4.3          My A1C  a number that was at 9 when I was diagnosed with diabetes



So the next time I get caught up in the numbers on the tag I hope I can remember these numbers. Oh wait there is one more very important one...

35        The age I was when I got my wake up call and changed my life!

I like the way THESE numbers make me feel!

beaten down but not broken

This has been a very rough week.... a lot of personal drama and stress...on top of trying to look for a new home...add to that a birthday in the house so there was chocolate cake! I ate more cake than I should have a little sliver here and there... I also broke down and bought a big ol bag of kettle cooked BBQ chips and ate just about the whole damn bag.... it really pisses me off that no matter how much I have overcome when the stress gets the better of me I always have to fight the urge to binge! I am lucky to have learned some alternatives to the binging but when things reach their breaking point....my releases are not healthy ones! This is something I need to work more on.

Needless to say I did not get on the scale this morning.. I think it is important to keep a record but I know I self sabotaged so much this week... and getting on the scale would just be beating myself up for it again and I am finally in a better state of mind. So this morning I confess to you that I over ate, didn't actually binge per-say but didn't control the impulse like I should have. I also missed 2 days at the gym this week... sleep always evades me but when there is added stress it is much worse...but this morning I was back in there.. worked my legs, abs and did my cardio and I left there feeling so much better...I love the high I get after a workout.. sometimes it kills me to start one but in the end I always feel better.

I have to move on from this week, let it be a bad week that doesn't break me..... I am so much stronger than the crap that has messed me up this week. This week beat me down...at every turn I felt like I was running into a brick wall, I might have the bruises from this week that will linger but I am not broken! At times this week I felt it but I have taught myself that I am so much stronger then I give myself credit for. (we all are) And that is how I know I am beaten but not ever ever broken!

So here is to a healthy weekend...for all of us!!

what to eat this week?!?

I want a steady diet of fried chicken and onion rings this week... I don't know if it is hormonal or the abundant amount of stress I have been under as of late but I have been craving all the stuff I shouldn't eat! I am sitting here today after killing myself at the gym this morning and I am fighting the urge to go get junk food :/ But I will be damned if I am going to eat a lunch that is going to void out the calories I burnt this morning!

I am headed out to the store to buy groceries and I am keeping the thought in mind that if I go buy salad and soup it is not going to be satisfying this week. SO....today for lunch I am going to make crunchy chicken fingers today (baked with panko bread crumbs) with honey mustard dip (just a light bottled dressing) and some zucchini chips (thin slices of zucchini dipped in panko bread crumbs and baked till crunchy) this should satisfy my junk food craving without eating out and taking in 1500 calories in one meal! And I am going to make bacon chicken wraps for the rest of the week... a little bacon makes the world a better place ;) so I will take a few sliced cut them up very small... then cook onion and chicken breast in the same pan as the bacon (I will toss all the fat first but not clean the pan that way I get the flavors) then I can just through this on a light tortilla the rest of this week and it will feel more like a junky indulgent meal (it is after all bacon!)

I am also making sure I have a few items on hand this week since I already know it will be a hard week....
sunflower seeds (salty and crunchy)
sugar free Twizzlers
gum
and one small bag of kettle cooked chips because this week I am absolutely letting myself have them! But if I get the individual bag I can hide it until I am about to lose my mind then I can get that and a diet coke and feel like I am having a sneaky splurge! ;) And who doesn't like a sneaky splurge?!?

Man I feel like my weigh in this friday is going to piss me off... I hope that I can maintain this weight at least. I need the scale to move down, it is getting very hard... but some weeks you have to step back and realize that it is ok to have a hard week... not to give up but to have a hard week. My plan is to try to get in two workouts every day this week just to help with the stress... I do feel the weight of the world lifting off my shoulders when I am working out, and I really need the weight off my shoulders this week! Wish me luck! I am off to get my fake out junk food ;)

long time no see.... sorry for that

I am sorry for such a long time in between posts.... my world is going about a million miles an hour and I am trying desperately to keep up with it all.

So what have you missed? Not much my life isn't all that exciting but...

I went home to see my dad, THAT was incredible awesome and very hard for me. Long story short I don't speak to my mother, but I still hear her hateful comments in my head all too often. The woman my father remarried is amazing. She knows how hard I have worked on this journey of mine and every meal we had at her home she had a huge healthy amazing salad on the side because she was trying to be supportive of my goals. It was amazing to have someone in a mother roll, not to tell me how big my hips were, or to suck in my stomach...amazing for her not to sabotage my efforts, but instead go out of her way to make sure I had what I needed to eat there. She is an amazing woman and I am very happy that she is in my life.

I wish I could say that even after that wonderful time I was able to stay %100 on track but we were after all traveling and visiting other people and eating some things we should not have. I put on 4 lbs on that trip. It was very frustrating, I just got the scale to move in the right direction before I left then it crept back up. But that is life...when routines are messed up you will gain a little, you will eat the stuff you shouldn't and you won't be able to workout like you should. If you let these things knock you down then you are not ready to take this journey, because you are going to fail more times then you succeed. You are going to reach for goals and feel like you always land just shy of them.

Since getting back home I have gotten back on track... I tell you what though that week off from the gym kicked my ass!! Getting back up to where I want to be in the gym is just now happening. But it is happening and THAT is the important thing!!

This morning at the gym was the best workout I have had in a while. My shoulders are a bit sore from my routine and my legs felt a bit like jelly after I finished my cardio but it was incredible!!

Whats for breakfast??

This morning I feel like I could eat a cow! I know the uploads from my phone are not the best but my internet is still down (from a storm we had last friday!) so this is the only way for me to show you.... This morning I'm having

Two egg whites, one whole egg scrambled
One Roma tomato sliced
3/4 cup raw spinach sauteed and drizzled with a little balsamic vinegar
And 1 baby bell light cheese....

I wanted 2 cream filled donuts and a pound of bacon!!! lol ;)

Getting back into the swing of things

well a week off from my gym is making it hard to get back into the swing of things...staying up way too late, eating way too much of the stuff I shouldn't have....this morning kicked my butt!! Got my leg workout in though and thst always makes me feel better (I love working my legs) didn't make it through as much cardio as I wanted but I will make sure I get a run/walk in later today.

I REALLY need to go grocery shoping all I have to eat in this house is travel food...aka not good for you food!  I have no idea what is on the menu this week I'm far too exhausted to think about that right now. So I'll let you know when I know! Happy Monday!!!! (I think I'm going back to bed now) ;)

Going home

Going home is always hard for me, My mother was always so hard on us girls about our weight (even before we had weight problems!) My mother is out of my life now but going  home is still tough, I still very much live with her bashing in my head, the closer I get to my family the louder it gets! I find myself eating so much this week...:/

Weigh In Day

I hate stalling... but it happens. I have been stalled for a while now and Fridays (my weigh in day) the last few months have just pissed me off.... FINALLY this morning the stupid thing moved in the right direction. I know it isn't about the number but it is still hard when it doesn't move. The truth is, if I let myself stop every time I get discouraged I would still be sick. Still be obese.

I love this! It is so very true, it doesn't matter what you have done in the past as long as you are still able to move it is not too late to change your life!