OK so I guess it is time for me to stop my pity party and suck it up... I was dying today at the gym.... dragging because I wasn't eating much at all the last few days... no food means no energy for my workout...bad workout means bad day... so now instead of just feeling fat, I also feel ashamed that I didn't get the workout in that I needed to. I was almost in tears this morning so I went in and I got advice from my trainer. I knew what he was gonna say... he was gonna say EAT! He told me I should be eating 1800 calories a day... pretty sure I didn't eat that this weekend (3 days) combined. So I sit here typing this as a bot of eggs comes to a boil.
I started this journey to get healthy... not eating is not healthy and I know this...and being skinny because I am not eating isn't healthy...hitting my goal weight by starving myself is not only dangerous but sending a dangerous message to my daughter... so quite frankly, fuck em' all!! So they still think I am fat...and I sit here and give them power to mess with my head...I am taking back that power.
Today I am eating... what, I am not sure yet but the eggs are a start. Taking care of my body is so important to me... sometimes my mind and other people just get the better of me and get in the way. I can't push my body if I don't fuel it and I never feel stronger or more confident than when I am pushing myself! Enjoy your breakfast! : )
Monday, June 4, 2012
Sunday, June 3, 2012
Other People's Perceptions
I have worked so hard to change my life...to get healthy.... I wish it didn't matter what people thought/said about me... but this week I was hit with the realization that as much as it shouldn't matter what people think about me... it does!
I have worked hard to change the way people thought of me, talked to me, saw me.... to be told that you are still a "big girl" is extremely hard to hear... it shouldn't matter. I know I still have a ways to go to get to my goal weight but instead of my hard work and changes being acknowledged they are shot down, minimized...I have worked so hard.. I have left blood sweat and tears at that gym for the last two years...if I am still a "big girl" now what was I before? What did people think of me before? Say about me before? None of this should matter... none of it should impact me and my way of thinking.. but it does..I know I have to eat to fuel my body.. but I can't right now. I know this is wrong but that "stupid girl" mentality kicked in and I feel like I am a failure if I eat more than a bite of something. Food disorders do not go away, it is a battle every day (some days more that others) When the people who are suppose to be proud of you shoot you down, THAT kind of sends you into a tailspin. When your hard work, effort, change... isn't defended by the people who should be there fists raised... it takes away a bit of your steam... makes you realize that you are completely alone in this. You are, I am.. and that is ok. The truth is no one understands this struggle unless they go through it, the tears you cry are not theirs, the sweat you leave behind is not theirs, the exhilaration you feel when you fit into that hot little black dress (and feel like a million bucks) is not theirs...so I guess you can't expect them to be the support you actually need them to be...I suppose it is selfish to expect them to.
As much as I want someone to truly get it... it is mine and in the end, I like it that way. So when I get the wind knocked out of my sails I will deal with it alone. The tears I cry over it will be in private. The moments of weakness (be it eating too much or not enough) will be in private. These are after all my goals, my struggles, my successes...I know I will hit my goal weight,I know I will succeed, despite all the disbelief.
The truth is, I am still proud of me... and I need to learn how to let that to be enough.
I have worked hard to change the way people thought of me, talked to me, saw me.... to be told that you are still a "big girl" is extremely hard to hear... it shouldn't matter. I know I still have a ways to go to get to my goal weight but instead of my hard work and changes being acknowledged they are shot down, minimized...I have worked so hard.. I have left blood sweat and tears at that gym for the last two years...if I am still a "big girl" now what was I before? What did people think of me before? Say about me before? None of this should matter... none of it should impact me and my way of thinking.. but it does..I know I have to eat to fuel my body.. but I can't right now. I know this is wrong but that "stupid girl" mentality kicked in and I feel like I am a failure if I eat more than a bite of something. Food disorders do not go away, it is a battle every day (some days more that others) When the people who are suppose to be proud of you shoot you down, THAT kind of sends you into a tailspin. When your hard work, effort, change... isn't defended by the people who should be there fists raised... it takes away a bit of your steam... makes you realize that you are completely alone in this. You are, I am.. and that is ok. The truth is no one understands this struggle unless they go through it, the tears you cry are not theirs, the sweat you leave behind is not theirs, the exhilaration you feel when you fit into that hot little black dress (and feel like a million bucks) is not theirs...so I guess you can't expect them to be the support you actually need them to be...I suppose it is selfish to expect them to.
As much as I want someone to truly get it... it is mine and in the end, I like it that way. So when I get the wind knocked out of my sails I will deal with it alone. The tears I cry over it will be in private. The moments of weakness (be it eating too much or not enough) will be in private. These are after all my goals, my struggles, my successes...I know I will hit my goal weight,I know I will succeed, despite all the disbelief.
The truth is, I am still proud of me... and I need to learn how to let that to be enough.
Saturday, June 2, 2012
I'm sitting here waiting for the gym to open on a Sat....I got knocked on my my ass a bit yesterday... I want to sit and cry into a chocolate cake & a bag of chips, but I'm here....I suppose thats something right? Doesn't really feel like much tho I gotta tell ya! One day I'll stop letting others define me!!!
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Missing my workouts
So last week the stress of this year (thus far) caught up with me...two separate ER trips and my butt on the couch for over a week. You would think that after not being able to eat anything for 4 days that stupid scale would have moved but alas, nothing.
It was far too long of a break from the gym. I desperately missed my workouts!! WOW, hang on, let me let that sit on my tongue for a bit... if someone would have told me a few years ago that would come out of my mouth I would have never believed it. At any rate, I did.. I really missed it. And getting back in the gym today kicked my butt!! I felt a bit like I was going to pass out and puke (I did neither) I listened to my body... walked outside for about 10 minutes between my weights and my cardio and evaluated if I could safely push myself today. I did... only for 20 minutes on my cardio machine but I stuck out what I could... and tomorrow I am sure it will kick my butt again. It seems when I miss any more than a day or two it takes so long to get back into the swing of things.
I find with all of the stress these days my diet/meal planning is NOT what it should be.. it is hard to keep on track. At this moment, we are in the process of finding our first home, planning for military retirement, my oldest is about to graduate high school... and then there is just the normal stresses (I will spare you this vent) today I ate nearly a whole bag of BBQ chips.. very healthy indeed!! I NEED to get this back on track...the only way I know how to do that is to start planning/tracking my meals/snacks out again shopping regularly.
And when I hear "Chicken Again?!?" or "Salad?!?" I need to start duct taping mouths closed so I don't feel the guilt of feeding my family boring food and end up buying pizza. The truth is a low fat high protein meal IS the right choice for everyone in my family.... it is the healthy choice and I want that for my Family. No one other than myself is overweight in my family, that doesn't mean we don't all need to eat/live healthy. I lived my whole youth on a forced diet so when I hear things like this I start to feel like I am going to mess them up. I start feeling like I need to go buy nachos, and junk food so they don't end up as screwed up as I am about food. It is a hard thing because at the same time I want them to be healthy, I want them to have the knowledge of how to take care of the bodies they have, not so they look a certain way, but so they feel healthy, they feel like they are their best selves. It is the little devil and angel on the shoulder... my devil is a fat little bastard holding a big ol chocolate cake and something fried and the angel is healthy and fit and in the moment, sad to say, I feel like I am punishing my family by making them eat chicken breast and green beans...and I give in to the little devil.
Balance... that is what this is all about and I find that just when I think I have got it, something comes and throws me off balance. So I have just come to the understanding that I am forever going to have to re balance, it will get screwy from time to time.... that is life I guess. So this week I will try to start my re balance. I found this picture and I thought it was quite appropriate for this post.
It was far too long of a break from the gym. I desperately missed my workouts!! WOW, hang on, let me let that sit on my tongue for a bit... if someone would have told me a few years ago that would come out of my mouth I would have never believed it. At any rate, I did.. I really missed it. And getting back in the gym today kicked my butt!! I felt a bit like I was going to pass out and puke (I did neither) I listened to my body... walked outside for about 10 minutes between my weights and my cardio and evaluated if I could safely push myself today. I did... only for 20 minutes on my cardio machine but I stuck out what I could... and tomorrow I am sure it will kick my butt again. It seems when I miss any more than a day or two it takes so long to get back into the swing of things.
I find with all of the stress these days my diet/meal planning is NOT what it should be.. it is hard to keep on track. At this moment, we are in the process of finding our first home, planning for military retirement, my oldest is about to graduate high school... and then there is just the normal stresses (I will spare you this vent) today I ate nearly a whole bag of BBQ chips.. very healthy indeed!! I NEED to get this back on track...the only way I know how to do that is to start planning/tracking my meals/snacks out again shopping regularly.
And when I hear "Chicken Again?!?" or "Salad?!?" I need to start duct taping mouths closed so I don't feel the guilt of feeding my family boring food and end up buying pizza. The truth is a low fat high protein meal IS the right choice for everyone in my family.... it is the healthy choice and I want that for my Family. No one other than myself is overweight in my family, that doesn't mean we don't all need to eat/live healthy. I lived my whole youth on a forced diet so when I hear things like this I start to feel like I am going to mess them up. I start feeling like I need to go buy nachos, and junk food so they don't end up as screwed up as I am about food. It is a hard thing because at the same time I want them to be healthy, I want them to have the knowledge of how to take care of the bodies they have, not so they look a certain way, but so they feel healthy, they feel like they are their best selves. It is the little devil and angel on the shoulder... my devil is a fat little bastard holding a big ol chocolate cake and something fried and the angel is healthy and fit and in the moment, sad to say, I feel like I am punishing my family by making them eat chicken breast and green beans...and I give in to the little devil.
Balance... that is what this is all about and I find that just when I think I have got it, something comes and throws me off balance. So I have just come to the understanding that I am forever going to have to re balance, it will get screwy from time to time.... that is life I guess. So this week I will try to start my re balance. I found this picture and I thought it was quite appropriate for this post.
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
The pre summer break chaos
This time of year a few things always sound good to me.. nice big salads, light grilled dinners, fruit, cool fresh cucumbers, tomatoes, peppers...but the last few weeks for a few reasons we have been running around like chickens with our heads cut off... so instead of the healthy grilled chicken and salad that I am actually craving I have settled for $5 hot and ready pizzas because they were faster...usually if I know a week is going to be stressful I will try to pre cook over the weekend. But even the last few weekends have been so packed... There is NO excuse not to eat healthy, there really isn't but I make excuses and some how justify running 5-10 minutes one way to pick up pizzas (that would be 25-30 minutes total right?!?) when I could throw a chicken breast in some aluminum foil, set the oven to 400 and have a healthy, less expensive, much tastier meal in the same amount of time.
Yesterday I went to the store with the mind set that this week is gonna be crazy and I really need the scale to move! (I feel a bit like I am spinning my wheels lately.) I bought chicken breast, mixed veggies, and plenty of foil so when I am feeling the fast food for dinner pressure I can make a healthier/tastier alternative. With as little clean up as tossing out a pizza box ;)
Yesterday I went to the store with the mind set that this week is gonna be crazy and I really need the scale to move! (I feel a bit like I am spinning my wheels lately.) I bought chicken breast, mixed veggies, and plenty of foil so when I am feeling the fast food for dinner pressure I can make a healthier/tastier alternative. With as little clean up as tossing out a pizza box ;)
Friday, May 4, 2012
What is it about numbers that get us so worked up?
I went shopping yesterday...I rarely go shopping for clothes where I don't feel defeated. I love that I can shop in the "normal" stores but yet when I am in these "normal" stores I am still obsessed about what number is on the tag... what sizes I think should fit but don't. I was in tears yesterday while I was out shopping for a pair of shorts... I am apple shaped, I carry all of my weight around my middle so the size that fits my butt and hips doesn't fit my middle and visa versa... I get a lot of slack for wearing my jeans/ shorts too tight.. the truth is if they are going to fit me they have to be stretch.. that means yes, they are going to hug my butt, thighs...anyway... I let this shopping trip ruin my day. I went to bed feeling defeated...like a failure. I woke up feeling the same way.
But when I was at the gym this morning I realized something... something that in this moment makes me feel a little better (I can not promise that the next time I go looking for clothes I am not still going to break down because something doesn't fit) Here are a few numbers that remind me of how awesome I am! ;-p I hope one day these numbers scream louder in my head than the ones that I beat myself up over!
60 Number of pounds lost (that I have been able to track)
60-120 Number of minutes that I work out 5 days a week (not counting weekends)
150 Number of pounds I leg press 5 sets of 20, 3 days a week (this number makes me feel a
bit like a bad ass! ;)
48 Number of lunges I do 3 days a week
2 Days a week that I workout the free weight room
(a room that I was terrified of just a few months ago)
4.3 My A1C a number that was at 9 when I was diagnosed with diabetes
So the next time I get caught up in the numbers on the tag I hope I can remember these numbers. Oh wait there is one more very important one...
35 The age I was when I got my wake up call and changed my life!
I like the way THESE numbers make me feel!
I went shopping yesterday...I rarely go shopping for clothes where I don't feel defeated. I love that I can shop in the "normal" stores but yet when I am in these "normal" stores I am still obsessed about what number is on the tag... what sizes I think should fit but don't. I was in tears yesterday while I was out shopping for a pair of shorts... I am apple shaped, I carry all of my weight around my middle so the size that fits my butt and hips doesn't fit my middle and visa versa... I get a lot of slack for wearing my jeans/ shorts too tight.. the truth is if they are going to fit me they have to be stretch.. that means yes, they are going to hug my butt, thighs...anyway... I let this shopping trip ruin my day. I went to bed feeling defeated...like a failure. I woke up feeling the same way.
But when I was at the gym this morning I realized something... something that in this moment makes me feel a little better (I can not promise that the next time I go looking for clothes I am not still going to break down because something doesn't fit) Here are a few numbers that remind me of how awesome I am! ;-p I hope one day these numbers scream louder in my head than the ones that I beat myself up over!
60 Number of pounds lost (that I have been able to track)
60-120 Number of minutes that I work out 5 days a week (not counting weekends)
150 Number of pounds I leg press 5 sets of 20, 3 days a week (this number makes me feel a
bit like a bad ass! ;)
48 Number of lunges I do 3 days a week
2 Days a week that I workout the free weight room
(a room that I was terrified of just a few months ago)
4.3 My A1C a number that was at 9 when I was diagnosed with diabetes
So the next time I get caught up in the numbers on the tag I hope I can remember these numbers. Oh wait there is one more very important one...
35 The age I was when I got my wake up call and changed my life!
I like the way THESE numbers make me feel!
Friday, April 27, 2012
beaten down but not broken
This has been a very rough week.... a lot of personal drama and stress...on top of trying to look for a new home...add to that a birthday in the house so there was chocolate cake! I ate more cake than I should have a little sliver here and there... I also broke down and bought a big ol bag of kettle cooked BBQ chips and ate just about the whole damn bag.... it really pisses me off that no matter how much I have overcome when the stress gets the better of me I always have to fight the urge to binge! I am lucky to have learned some alternatives to the binging but when things reach their breaking point....my releases are not healthy ones! This is something I need to work more on.
Needless to say I did not get on the scale this morning.. I think it is important to keep a record but I know I self sabotaged so much this week... and getting on the scale would just be beating myself up for it again and I am finally in a better state of mind. So this morning I confess to you that I over ate, didn't actually binge per-say but didn't control the impulse like I should have. I also missed 2 days at the gym this week... sleep always evades me but when there is added stress it is much worse...but this morning I was back in there.. worked my legs, abs and did my cardio and I left there feeling so much better...I love the high I get after a workout.. sometimes it kills me to start one but in the end I always feel better.
Needless to say I did not get on the scale this morning.. I think it is important to keep a record but I know I self sabotaged so much this week... and getting on the scale would just be beating myself up for it again and I am finally in a better state of mind. So this morning I confess to you that I over ate, didn't actually binge per-say but didn't control the impulse like I should have. I also missed 2 days at the gym this week... sleep always evades me but when there is added stress it is much worse...but this morning I was back in there.. worked my legs, abs and did my cardio and I left there feeling so much better...I love the high I get after a workout.. sometimes it kills me to start one but in the end I always feel better.
I have to move on from this week, let it be a bad week that doesn't break me..... I am so much stronger than the crap that has messed me up this week. This week beat me down...at every turn I felt like I was running into a brick wall, I might have the bruises from this week that will linger but I am not broken! At times this week I felt it but I have taught myself that I am so much stronger then I give myself credit for. (we all are) And that is how I know I am beaten but not ever ever broken!
So here is to a healthy weekend...for all of us!!
So here is to a healthy weekend...for all of us!!
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